To: Andyco Employees
From: Andy 5th, CEO
Subject: Executive Bonuses
Date: January 14, 2002
Dear Andyco Employee,
Happy New Year! Sorry for the lapse in weekly
memos, but I've just returned from three delicious weeks in the
VERY exclusive Lor-in Villa Resort in Bali. And rest assured
-- after being fed fresh papayas by beautiful, half-naked Polynesian
women day after day -- I feel rested and ready to take on ANY
challenge that may come our way in 2002!
Anyway, it was brought to my attention that
there's lingering concern over the management's huge year-end
bonuses. A year when we faced staggering financial losses. A
year when 4,800 employees were laid off, and thousands more lost
most of their retirement savings in Andyco's failing company
retirement plan.
Okay, okay... UNCLE!!!
After further consideration, I've announced
to the board that there will be NO YEAR-END EXECUTIVE BONUSES
FOR 2001. As you can imagine, this was a tough decision for me.
You don't know what it's like to have a dozen grown men in expensive
Italian suits crying like babies in your office. But I feel we
must ALL make sacrifices if we are to turn this company around
in 2002.
So, while our janitorial staff must take
a $2/hr paycut - so too must our our Sr. VP, Jerry Valentine,
settle for the 58 foot motor yacht instead of the 76 foot model
that his wife wanted.
Just remember - we're all in this together.
After all, I consider you MORE than employees... you're FAMILY.
Though, if I ever catch you on my lawn, I'll be forced to call
security.
