Real advice for kids with real problems, from a real clown.

Dear Mr. Smiley Happy Clown,

I am in the 3rd Grader, and I wish I had more friends. The popular kids always tease me about wearing dark socks with my sneakers. And I always get picked last for kickball (I have flat feet). What should I do?

Billy, Troy NY

Dear Billy,

First of all, you've gotta get the hell outta Troy, NY as fast as humanly possible. But that's a subject for another day.

As far as the dark socks, I'd slam you too if I saw you walking around like that. So get "Mommy Dearest" to buy you some white gym socks ASAP. And if she doesn't, then call Social Services.

And always remember to to act and dress like the other kids. Being different will get you nowhere in life. Look at me for example -- I was an art major, and now I'm a friggin' clown!! Meanwhile, the star quarterback -- who was a TOTAL bonehead -- is now a fund manager at Morgan Stanley. Figure that out!

And finally, even though you stink at kickball, don't let those little twerps push you around. Wearing dark socks is one thing, but God made you the way you are - flat feet and all. So whenever anybody makes fun of you, I say you should pop 'em one. Just like I do when somebody jokes about my lazy eye. Ka-POW!!

Your friend,
Mr. Smiley Happy Clown

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