Question: My bear tells me to burn stuff. Should I hurt him?

Miss Barbara: Yes Timmy. Hurt him before he hurts others.

Question: why do you hate me?

Miss Barbara: You can blame it on my bunions.

Question: How many times do I have to send this to make it onto the "Frequently Asked Questions" list?

Miss Barbara: Frequently.

Question: I have heard you have stuff about bosses who send "brithday greetings" via voice mail,
Please help me locat this stuff. Thank you.

Miss Barbara: I have no information regarding this. But perhaps you'd be interested in our pre-recorded "you're fired and a security guard will be escorting you from the building" voice mail message.

Question: Why does the river run close to the bank?

Miss Barbara: It makes it easier for you to go jump in it.

Question: Miss Barbara.
I am currently employed at a small ad agency run by a megalomaniac. In fact, he has become so preoccupied with micromanaging me that I basically have nothing of substance to do all day long. Leaving me plenty of time to surf the web all day and play cribbage online. (Meanwhile, the company is adrift with no real leadership!) I've been sending my resume around and but as of today I have yet to receive an answer to the job application I sent to Andyco in April. Can you check into this for me? I possess excellent client service skills and am a whiz at Powerpoint presentations (in case you have the chance to put in a good word for me upstairs while you're checking on my resume). Thanks!

Miss Barbara: If you're in advertising, you've suffered enough. Perhaps you should consider a profession with better pay and more room for advancement -- like scrubbing urinals at Wendys.

Question: Dear Miss Barbara

Greetings from over in Pakistan. Having come to know from reliable source that you are doing the gospel work & Christian fellowship in all over the world. We are interested to have Christian fellowship. We welcome you in Pakistan warmly and open heart for Christian fellowship. I am doing gospel work also. My name is pervaiz Khokhar, I am saved person and baptized the water by the grace of the Lord Jesus. I am unmarried, 27th years age. I am evangelist and Treasurer the preaching society & social welfare services. I want to tell you about our faith that we believe in repent, Baptized in water and filled with Holly spirit. Having come to know from reliable sources that you are doing the prayer ministry in all over the world. I know that world wide prayer is very essential now *a-days and need is truly great for the world. We are here in Pakistan doing the gospel work, social welfare work is very pitiable circumstances on faith and self-support. We want to build the school building and boarding house for the poor, Orphan & Homeless Children, free dispensary for poor Christian Community and sewing, knitting center for poor Christian community girls. It is our hearty request to you please kindly do a especially prayer so that God open the hearts of any God fearing man and women to help our Society financially for the Glory of the lord Jesus Christ.We truly pray with hope in Jesus Christ that the lord will raise up those who desire to support us in this work. It is my humble prayer that God use you for His glory in the whole world. I am waiting for your reply. We hope in Jesus Christ that you will be co-operate in this matter. May God richly bless you in this step of faith.

Miss Barbara: I'm sorry, but I believe you have the wrong number. This is the Andyco phone room -- better known as 'Hell on Earth'.

Question: what is wrong with you?

Miss Barbara: I never got that pony I wanted for my 8th birthday... and it's all been downhill from there, Bob.

Question: An ode to Miss Barbara:
O Barbara, thy wrinkles are as beautiful as the grand canyon.
That's all I could come up with.

Miss Barbara: Roses are red, violets are blue... You're poetry stinks like dog poop on my shoe.

Question: Miss Barbara, can fish hear?

Miss Barbara: Sure they can hear... but do they really listen?

Question: I ordered a Jaffle Iron but you sent me a Waffle Iron. You simply cannot make Jaffles in a Waffle Iron because they don't get sealed and all the filling runs out when they (The supposed-to-be-Jaffles)are removed. So I actually succeeded in getting an RMA number after sever weeks of listening to Handel's Water Music (I can sing it all the way through, now!). Since it has been over a year since I returned the Waffle Iron (with the RMA number), I think that this has gone on for too long. Please fix this up. My children are still waiting for their Jaffles!

Miss Barbara: Tell the brats to eat WAFFLES like normal children do.

Question: I've noted your 11 day (or longer by the time you get this) absence with dismay. I'm dissapointed that you haven't shown up for work. Stay away much longer, and there will be no reason for you to return (not that there's much of one now). -Have a nice day.

Miss Barbara: Tell that to the union, college boy.

Question: From your picture, you look like you're a pretty hot babe. Please tell me more about yourself.

Miss Barbara: Turn-offs... losers named Ron. Turn-ons... pounding losers named Ron.

Question: PC is booting slow, what do I do?

Miss Barbara: Try what I do... take half a personal day.

Question: Where is the 'ANY' key on my keyboard - I'm supposed to press it and I can't find it!

Miss Barbara: It's right next to the 'MORON' key.

Question: How often do you update your site?

Miss Barbara: Somewhere between often and never.

Question: Barbara? It's your mother. How come you never call?

Miss Barbara: Please hold...

Question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Miss Barbara: The chicken.

Question: I killed my wife and I'm not sure who to turn to. I asked OJ for help but he turned me down because even he realizes I'm screwed. What do I do?

Miss Barbara: The real question is how can a pathetic has-been such as yourself post $1 million bail?

Question: Am I dead?

Miss Barbara: You are when I get finished with you, you twisted sack of donkey dung (I'd call you something worse, but this call is being recorded to ensure quality control).

Question: Where is the phone number?

Miss Barbara: That would just encourage people to call.

Question: At work, we are being forced to work in "teams" and have to come up with a "team" name...do you have any suggestions for a name that says "oh yea, this is really fun corporate thinking"?

Miss Barbara: How about "The Dead End Gang"?

Question: Are you spoken for? I think I am in love with you. Now get back to work!

Miss Barbara: I suppose your love would be considered "unrequited", since if I ever saw you in person, I'd kick your ass.

Question: You've been impersonating me for a long time now and I want it to end. I am the real Miss Barbara. I've been away with a 3 year migraine and what do I findwhen I come back? A young version of me making twice as much as I did and sleeping around with AndyCo execs. If you leave now, I'll pretend nothing happened, if you don't, I'll have to get Baretta on your ass.

Miss Barbara: The real Miss Barbara wouldn't need Baretta's help.

Question: how long must i hold?

Miss Barbara: Would you like that figure in hours or days?

Question: I found a spelling error on this page!

Miss Barbara: And I found a hair in my chili con carne. What's the point?

Question: Why do you have a headache?

Miss Barbara: Maybe from too many stupid questions about personal matters.

Question: Is it time for me to retire?

Miss Barbara: Not at all... I say your best career move is to play for the Wizards another 20 years.

Question: do you think it is right for an employee to be interviewed to keep their present job (after being with the co. for 5 yrs)

Miss Barbara: As long as they're not holding a gun at the time.

Question: what is this site about?

Miss Barbara: See response below.

Question: what time is it

Miss Barbara: Time to get a new question.

Question: do you sell pyjamas for teddy bears

Miss Barbara: You'll find them right near the Dental Forms.

Question: You are not funny & probably unable to make any good joke - so you have to resort to stereotype. I pity you -- charlie4fun@hotmail.com

Miss Barbara: Gee, Charlie4fun... I don't quite know what to say... except... BUY this man a Tab and a cigarette!!! FINALLY, someone who truly understands the MISERY I go through each and every day! Thank you for your pity!! You don't know what it's like to CONSTANTLY have people emailing me, saying how "brilliant" and "hilarious" this godforsaken site is. But you... YOU, my dear Charlie4fun can see right through this juvenile assault on corporate culture, on French people, smelly roofers, and rude phone personnel! My cousin is a smelly roofer, and I take offense to it! As you so eloquently put it -- this site is "not funny & probably unable to make any good joke"!!

Question: why is the sky blue?

Miss Barbara: I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that mauve didn't fare as well in the focus groups.

Question: Where can I find Dental Forms?

Miss Barbara: The bad news is we currently have no dental forms on our website. The good news is -- now that you're aware of this -- maybe you'll visit some other web site.

Question: what time is it?

Miss Barbara: Your email was sent at 8:30 on a Saturday night -- which indicates to me that it's time for you to get a life.

Question: How often should I cut my toenails?

Miss Barbara: Never more than twice a day, Fred.

Question: Are you there?

Miss Barbara: Yes, but don't tell anyone.

Question: Hi there. I was wondering if you have any high level job position open. I'm a former Enron CEO so I know my way around large companies such as your own.

Miss Barbara: If you're terrible at math, and can sleep with your eyes open, then you may have a future as an Andyco executive. Please fill out our job application and we will be contacting you.

Question: Please congratulate Andy on the birth of his new child! Well done Andy!!!!!

Miss Barbara: He thanks you for the kind sentiment, and looks forward to some sort of nice gift from you.

Question: Miss barbara, I have had reaccurring dreams about you and a pool of jello. I always wake up in a pool of sweat. What can I do? Stu

Miss Barbara: You can keep it to yourself... you sick, twisted pervert.

Question: This site is a maze!

Miss Barbara: I suppose that makes you the confused lab rat.

Question: Miss Barbara, on a recent visit to the Andyco offices to experience your delightful tour I seemed to misplace my pet Galapagos Tortoise. I was shocked to later see a tortoise shaped meat cutlet being butchered in your cafeteria. Please put my mind at rest and tell me that Trevor is alive and well and that he has been found within your premesis. Regards, Eddy

Miss Barbara: That explains the large Tortoise shell serving bowl in the salad bar area.

Question: Has your 'hairnet optional' cafeteria passed any hygene and cleanliness tests? Miss Barbara, you're my hero!!! Australia loves you!

Miss Barbara: Let's just say that you're lucky the Pacific Ocean sits between you and our cafeteria's Veal Cutlets w/ Marinara Sauce.

Question: I am desperately trying to get through to someone compassionate. Won't you do something?

Miss Barbara: I feel your pain, Brennan. Well, actually... I feel you ARE a pain.

Question: I have a Degonkulator 5000, and every time I turn it on my hair starts falling out. Should I be worried about sterilization? My house pets have all seemed to die as well. Should I be concerned, or should I try and return the unit for another? -Iggymo

Miss Barbara: Hairloss and dying house pets is perfectly normal.

You may also experience bleeding gums, blood in urine, bowel inflammation and pain, bruising, changes in blood sugar or cholesterol levels, changes in skin pigmentation, chest pain, decreased night vision, decreased tolerance to contact lenses, delay in wound healing, depression, difficulty sleeping, dizziness, drowsiness, dry or fragile skin, dry or cracked lips, dry mouth, dry nose, fatigue, flushing, headache, hearing problems, heartbeat irregularities, herpes, itching, joint pain, liver disorders, menstrual changes, nail disorders, nausea, nervousness, nosebleeds, peeling palms or soles, pinkeye, rash, skin infections, stomach and intestinal discomfort, stroke, sudden drop in blood pressure (causing unconsciousness), sunburn-sensitive skin, suppression of growth, sweating, swelling due to fluid retention, tendon and ligament problems, urinary discomfort, vision problems, vomiting, weakness, and weight loss. But this is perfectly normal, too.

Enjoy your Degonkulator 5000!

Question: Hello, sorry to bother you again, but I'm wondering whether I can return the ducks I got billed for, as I never really wanted them. In fact, they're becoming quite a burden. They keep eating the wallpaper! It's very expensive!

So, in order to prevent the rest of my possessions being devoured by these ducks (they've all ready devoured the wine collection), I feel it would be best to send them back to you. Should I pack them in any way, or just throw them all in the box? Will they need food for the trip? Maybe I should throw something in with them, a cat perhaps...I'd hate to see them get hungry. I'm really getting quite fond of them...but no! They must go!

Miss Barbara: This is what we call a 'Catch-22'. You can't return and item without an RMA number. And though we accidentally sent you the carnivorous ducks (and charged you for them), there's no such item on my computer. Meaning I can't issue you an RMA number. Just give them plenty of Chardonney (no box wine though), and I'm sure you'll be just fine.

Question: listen- i do not understand what you sell - what do you sell?

Miss Barbara: If you're another one of those SEC investigators, then I don't know nuthin' about anything. And you can quote me on that.

Question: How do I get a job at Andyco?

Miss Barbara: I don't know... how do you slam your hand in a car door? Just bad luck, I suppose.

Question: I sense a curious lack of substance here. A Wizard-behind-the-curtain kind of thing. Are you posturing large to compensate for inner smallness? Will the real Miss Barbara please stand up. Also, are semi-colons pretentious?

Miss Barbara: Silence! The Great and Powerful Barbara knows why you have come. You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of collaginous junk! The Beneficent Barbara has no intention of granting your requests! Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain... the Great Barbara has spoken!

Question: How many times do I have to ask you out before you say yes?!?

Miss Barbara: I married a doofus. I don't need to date one.

Question: Can you help. I haven't received the mug

Miss Barbara: Dear "Dsa". I'm sorry to inform you, but not only are you missing your mug -- but you're also missing a couple of vowels from your name. Now about the mug -- all customer service for our fine collection of Andyco merchandise is handled by another company (Cafepress.com). In fact, Andyco doesn't make a penny off of the sale of ANY of these items. And since 100% of the profit goes to Cafepress, may I suggest that you direct 100% of your whining and complaining to them as well. Why on Earth you contacted customer support is beyond me!

Question: When will my order arrive?

Miss Barbara: Hopefully before the cockroaches rule the Earth.

Question: How did you get to be where YOU are as a customer service rep?

Miss Barbara: I love people. I eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Question: Why is the sky blue? And do you really know more than me? Are you sure?

Miss Barbara: Who really cares? Yes. I'm positive.

Question: Are the moon landings a hoax?

Miss Barbara: Yes, Humpty... I'm sad to inform you that the moon landings were a complete hoax. And the 800 pounds of moon rocks they claimed to have brought back to Earth actually came from your head.

Question: Where are my keys?

Miss Barbara: The last place you put them.

Question: Miss Barbara, I have lost my pants and have it on good authority (my good buddy, Eddie) that they have come into your possession. Though I can't quite remember every detail, it may have been during that tussle in the men's room the other evening, at that new restaurant, that you aquired them. Please, Miss Barbara, could we arrange a meeting so that I might regain possession of my precious pants? They are my favorite pair.

Miss Barbara: I have no idea what you're talking about. You're a very confused young man. And there's nothing more pathetic than a confused young man with no pants.

Question: You're t-shirt brought me out in a rash, and there were some ducks in the box! They chewed off my feet!

Miss Barbara: We won't charge you for the additional rash you received. But we've billed your credit card for the carnivorous ducks.

Question: How do I breathe? I'm having a hard time staying concious, and I thought it might help if I brought oxygen into my lungs... but I just can't figure out out!

Miss Barbara: Perhaps you'd like to apply for a position in our Marketing Department.

Question: I lost my list of good little children

Miss Barbara: Retrace your steps. Start at the shopping mall and the liquor store.

Question: I only have one had on the keyboard...guess where the other one is?

Miss Barbara: Hopefully dialing Bellvue -- you sick, twisted pervert.

Question: Are you really that mean?

Miss Barbara: No, Larry... I just get paid to act this way. Moron.

Question: When do I get my refund?

Miss Barbara: The same day I become Queen of England.

Question: What you think the help desk will look like in the future?

Miss Barbara: In the future I'll be fired, and all our phone room services will be outsourced to India where they make $2 a day.

Question: What's the best way to convince a young lady to show you her breasts?

Miss Barbara: Get a job in management.

Question: I have this recurring dream about monkeys and I'm hoping you can help me understand it. Most of the time I'm really happy, watching TV, and suddenly there's a knock at the door. I answer it only to find out that the hall outside my apartment is filled with screaming monkeys. Sometimes the hall is filled with squid, but that's kinda off topic. Anyway, these monkies pour though my door and I'm left to try to defend myself with all that I had when I answered the door. Specifically, a bottle of mustard and two asprin. Needless to say, the mustard doesn't do much and the asprin only helps to lower my headache from the screaming. I have white carpet, by the way, which tends to get rather soiled at this point in the dream. Anyway, the monkeys take over my apartment and I end up lonley and living in a corner near the toilet. Sometimes I end up living in my car, but since it's not some flash sportscar it's not so great. Does have a nice stereo though. What does my dream mean?

Miss Barbara: It means you're an idiot.

Question: my son has very smelly feet - what would you suggest I do? I would really value your opinion....

Miss Barbara: There's this new thing called BATHING. The only other option is for your son to live with the smell, and become a roofing contractor.

Question: Why did windows 98 skip a year? What happen to windows 99?

Miss Barbara: Bill Gates bought the year 1999 and merged it with 1998. You must have been on the sofa when it happened.

Question: Hello Miss Barbara. I have been following your career over the last few years and must say I have now got quite a crush on you.. This was only recently escalated after your reply to Marsha Elane's email (31st July 2001).. I really think your my kind of girl.. My questsion is.. Well.. Could we perhaps meet and go out some time? I know a great place that sells voodoo dolls and I already have one of you at home.

Miss Barbara: Dear Mr. Gooey -- I apologize if I've led you to believe that I'm a follower of the Neo-Pagan rituals. Sure, I enjoy a live animal sacrifice now and then. But who in the phone room doesn't? And as far as the Miss Barbara voodoo doll, perhaps that explains my nagging bunion problem.

Question: Miss Barbara, why is blue look like yellow in english. I from japan and happy your site good. thank you much very.

Miss Barbara: In America blue is blue, and yellow is yellow. Unless, of course, Management gets involved. Then blue is yellow, yellow is blue, up is down, and down is up. And don't suggest otherwise or you'll be out on the street faster than you can say "sayonara". Welcome to corporate America.

Question: Hello Miss Barbara! how are you doing? I have a sister Barbara (yup I do!). After your migrane clears up and you're feeling better I thought maybe you would like to visit my store...Your store is interesting (lol)! Thanks!

http://www.cafepress.com/mywhitedove

Do you like birds?

Miss Barbara: Thank you for directing me to your lovely dove merchandise. But I'm more the "vulture tearing apart a dead animal carcass" kind of girl.

Question: What's with all the wood shavings in your cube?

Miss Barbara: They're from the punji sticks I've been working on. And while I'm thinking of it, I'd stay away from the entrance to PR if I were you.

Question: Has the company ever thought about pursuing a division in snack cake research? You know... if you throw a twinkie in a fire for 10 minutes, and pull it out of the fire, the cream tastes the same?

Miss Barbara: No, we have no such program at this time. If you have any further questions regarding burning food, please contact our cafeteria staff.

Question: You really expect me to list this site in anywhere except parodies?

Miss Barbara: Quite honestly, I don't give a rat's ass where you list this godforsaken site! Put us in your the "puppetry" category for all I care. More traffic just means more work for me anyway. And if you think Andyco is parody, you should try working in the phone room for a day. You'll be listing us in "tragedy" or "man-made disasters"!

Question: What is that smell in the breakroom?

Miss Barbara: We think it's burning hair, but it's a long story and I would rather not go into it.

Question: What is the meaning of life?

Miss Barbara: Some say "Self-actualization", Maslow's term for maximally developing all our protentialities, and thus reaching the highest level of psychological health and awareness, is merely the implementation of fitness increase in the mental domain. Similarly, it can be argued that happiness is a direct sign that we have managed to improve our fitness. Thus, if people say that the meaning of life is to "learn and develop", "actualize our potentialities", "improve the balance of pleasure and pain", "enjoy ourselves" or "simply be happy", they are expressing a more limited version of the answer above (limited in the sense that it is more difficult to apply to non-human life, and does not take into account other aspects of life).

Others contend that people who express the belief that the meaning of life is to "love and be loved", or "promote cooperation and togetherness" are expressing the importance of our social needs, which are another component of fitness. Indeed, fitness for individuals requires fitness for the group to which these individuals belong, and this implies cooperation and "love" rather than selfishness and hostility.

Personally, I come from the "Bite me, loser... I'm too busy for this crap" school of thought.

Question: Since I have no radio in my office I just wanted you to know that I enjoy listening to your hold music on my speaker-phone. It both shows the boss that I'm on the job solving problems and lets me catch up on those lost classics. I was wondering if you could extend you anwswer time to 3 or 4 hours so I only have to call in twice.

Miss Barbara: Perhaps you'd be interested in our "Extended Service Plan." For an additional fee we will extend your waits, while increasing your discontentment to 3 years from the standard 30 days.

Question: do you think apostrophes are some kind of arbitrary decoration?

Miss Barbara: Dear Mr. Strunk & White: Thank you for pointing out my occasional punctuation errors. While our world leaders ponder such issues as unrest in the Middle East, the depletion of Earth's ozone layer, and the future of the ABM Treaty, I'm glad there are people like you with the gravitas to keep focused on the really important issues of our day -- like my use of apostrophes in the possessive versus a contraction. And while we're on the subject of proper grammar, please remember to capitalize the first word in every sentence (refer to your question above).

Question: We need a fourth for a rousing cyber-bridge tournament. I gather you have some spare time while on the job for the next 18 years until you gather your measely pension and your sociopathic attitude would really liven things up. Interested?

Miss Barbara: Mr. Sharif - so kind of you to think of me. I would have loved to join you for your rousing bridge tournament. Unfortunately, I recently saw one of your old movies "Oh, Heavenly Dog" - and I must admit that after that ordeal, I swore never to play bridge with either you OR Chevy Chase. You've come a long way from "Laurence of Arabia" - eh, Mr. Sharif? I guess your career zigged when it should have zagged.

Question: Is Andy Cute?

Miss Barbara: If you get aroused at the site of a soccerball with glasses, then Andy's your man.

Question: Just dropping by to say hi... "Hi!"

Miss Barbara: <CLICK>

Question: What is a computer?

Miss Barbara: Something you should stay away from.

Question: fdggzgagfg

Miss Barbara: Don't type with your mouth full.

Question: Any chance you could update the lunch menu? The veal culets are getting really gross. Hey, isn't "Hotdog" two words?

Miss Barbara: Hey, isn't "smartass" two words?

Question: I am hoping you can guide me in the right direction.

I am attempting to develop a Tupperware business. They "allow", on a LIMITED basis, SOME banner advertising. I want people to find my website, and, unlike you, I don't have people who think my site is cool and list it in the MSN Women Central Career Advice Bulletin Board. If I were to try to list it myself, I would be accused of attempting to advertise my business (duh!) Not that I'm jealous. I mean, I am, but not because your site is so cool... just because mine ISN'T and I don't know how to go about getting it that way while staying within the confines of Tupperware's rules/regs... AND getting people to know it's there.

What would it cost me to get the kind of information I need to 1) stay within their sucky rules, and 2) get my site information out there? I would like to see a link to my site pop up when someone does a search for "Tupperware". And I am thinking of at least doing some banner advertising... I don't have any idea where to start. One other thing - I'd like to have an online survey: "what is your favorite piece of tupperware and why"..."What ways have you found to use your Tupperware that weren't suggested in the catalog", that sort of thing. I just don't know how.

Since you're a guru, if not THE guru, could you give me a pointer or two... or maybe even a proposal of how you could help and what it would cost? I've put my website below so you can look at what I have so far (such as it is). Thanks for reading. And look for a deluge of people with questions, since you've been listed on that site. :-)

Sincerely,
Elisabeth R.
Tupperware Consultant

P.S. Do you know anyone who might be interested in some Tupperware products? I know a GREAT consultant!

Miss Barbara: Thanks for your interest in Andyco. I know our CEO will be excited and honored to learn that our site has been mentioned on the MSN Women Central Career Advice Bulletin Board. I've also notified our IT Department about the impending "tsunami" of hits to our central server due to the aforementioned listing. If you have any other mindless ramblings, please feel free to contact us. Now please hurry back to the Mother Ship before it leaves for your home planet.

Question: Just checking to see how fast I get an answer or better yet a reply

Miss Barbara: Please hold...

Question: How do I get an RMA for my toaster? I sent you a check, you cashed it, and this toaster is crap. I've sent it back to you but it keeps coming back to me requesting an RMA that I must request from you. Do you have an 800 number for RMAs?

Miss Barbara: Dear Pissed -- First of all, all of the toasters we sell are made from hard working children in central China. So when you say something like "this toaster is crap," not only do you harm Andyco's good name, but little orphan children as well. Secondly, what the hell are you buying a Chinese toaster for? There are over a billion Chinese - and have you ever seen ONE of them eat toast?! Finally, if you wish to return the toaster, you need to provide us with an RMA number.

Question: What's the difference between ram and rom?

Miss Barbara: One vowel.

Question: Do you enjoy working with imbeciles, or is it the puke coloured cubicle that makes you love what you do enough to work with a migraine? Personally, imbeciles and puke-coloured rooms do not delight me. Please tell me why you like these things.

Miss Barbara: This is what is commonly known as "sarcasm " -- the use of a harsh or bitter derision or irony. An example would be if I were to say that "I love" working in this living hell called Andyco Customer Support, when in reality I HATE IT. I assumed most people would pick-up on my real intent. But I regret I did not take into account people named "Bubbils."

Question: What if I have renouced my French citizenship?

Miss Barbara: Then you're just another frog without a lillypad.

Question: I love your site!! Absolutely Brilliant!!

Miss Barbara: Thank you so much for your interest in Andyco. However all unbridled praise and/or brown-nosing should be directed to our management team - since that's what they live for (except for our COO Mrs. Beasley, who lives for getting high on catnip, then maiming small mice and leaving them for dead).

Question: Help

Miss Barbara: You're gonna have to be a little more specific here, Dave. Help I'm drowning? Help, I just woke up and I can't feel my legs? Help I'm clueless and I can't string two words together? Here's my advice, Dave. Take your medicine, formulate a coherent thought, and get back to me.

Question: What is the reason for time?

Miss Barbara: Gee, Howdy (may I call you Howdy?) that's really deep. About as deep as my ingrown toenail. The reason for time is that without it, I'd never know when it's 5 o'clock - and I'd be trapped in this damn phone room with the freaks from the nightshift.

Question: I went to the washroom but I couldn't get my zipper down, I asked a guy from sales if he could help me but he said no... I still have to go pee and I'm not sure what I should do. Please help I can't hold much longer.

Miss Barbara: You should have asked someone from PR.

Question: If you have a migraine why haven't you gone home yet?

Miss Barbara: The reason why I continue working while it feels like a nail is being driven through my forehead is because of the sheer joy I get from spending 8 hrs in an barf-colored cubicle with no ventilation, dealing with imbeciles like you.

Question: I'm a stockbroker, occasionally I have been criticsized about my job. Some friends believe my job is parasitic to society while others envy my financial prowess in the markets. So my question is - ahem - what does Andy V do all day, really? :)

Miss Barbara: Dear Mr. Fleece the Proletariat: I'm one of those people who actually work for a living, so perhaps I'm not qualified to comment. But I'll tell you this - if I was rich, I'd be sure to entrust my fortune to a guy who can't spell "criticized", and finishes his E-mails with a smiley face.